Transparency Tuesday: Silver Linings… But I Definitely Don’t Have a Playbook

Today is a little bit about what’s going on with me right now– the painful stuff. It’s been challenging, draining, emotional, and, like I said, painful. But at the same time, it’s also been filled with hope, encouragement, and self discovery.

Last week was a rough one… Wednesday in particular. Let me give you a quick background.

Over the last 4 months, I’ve been looking for a new full time career, and in the meantime I’ve been working part time at Caribou Coffee in Woodbury, a place I worked way back in 2006. It’s been great, but it’s also been very obvious that I’m in a different place now than I was then. Between staffing frustrations and pay, I decided that I needed to look for additional or other part time work. I applied at both a large liquor store and DSW primarily because of, you guessed it, employee discounts!

First I interviewed at the liquor store. It went well. After my meeting with the general manager, I was introduced to the Human Resources guy who talked to me about everything from supervisory positions at a store level to looking at moving into corporate. It was obvious that both of these guys, the store manager and the HR guy were impressed with my background and work ethic. Which was great. I’m glad I could be such an impressive… specimen? But as I left, I couldn’t help but wonder how I was able to come across as so intelligent and capable to these people who view me as impressive, but was missing the mark with jobs that I wanted and needed in the corporate sector.

So I called my dad crying. Obviously, that was the most logical next step. I just needed to get it out of my system. I was so tired having people assume I was incapable because I’d been in ministry, or because I was a woman, or because I look 10 years younger than the age I am (good problem to have, I know…). I want to work hard. I want to be challenged. I want to devote my life to doing something good for people. I want to be pushed to my limit. But most of all, I want to use the gifts I know I have to rock the world. I just need someone to give me a chance.

After I got off the phone with my dad, I managed to pull myself together, and go sit alone in my apartment for the evening. I spent the night alone, trying to reevaluate, and strategize how to move forward in the most ass-kickingly way possible. I’m not one to give up, but I am one to step back and analyze.

The next day, I got up to go to work, feeling emotionally drained, but knowing I had to do what I had to do. At one point in the afternoon, I took a break off the floor to check my phone. And what did I find? Three emails from Optum, a part of UnitedHealth Group, about a position similar to one I’d applied for the week previous. All of a sudden, I was seeing a break in the clouds. One email was to let me know I was being considered for this position that I’d never even ‘officially’ applied for, and one letting me know what the next steps would be.

Things with this company move slowly so I didn’t expect much to happen right away. But that was wrong of me. Within two hours, I had a phone interview set up for the next day. Now, I wait with no clue of what happens next except that I do know final interviews are Friday and I have yet to hear feedback on my phone and video interviews. Excuse me while I sweat myself silly in the corner.Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 11.51.17 AM

To even try to claim that I have any clue what I’m doing would be false. I’m just waking up day after day, trying to figure this crap out. You guys, it’s so hard. It’s hard to be at your best all the time. It’s hard to know what to do next. And some days, it’s just hard to get out of bed. But in the crevices of this maze I’m on, I’m finding glimmers of hope, giving me faith in what lies ahead and a silver lining on some really cloudy days.

It’s not perfect. Life isn’t perfect. I’m far from perfect. But unless I cling to any shred of hope I can find, I’ll eventually curl up into an unproductive ball of hopelessness.

The moral of my story is this: Life is hard. Life is surprising. I have no clue what the hell I’m doing, but I guess that’s not stopping me. Don’t let it stop you either.

Written by Brigitte

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A 20-or-30-something single woman living in the city. Entrepreneur, amateur baker, and wannabe photog. Lover of people, sports, and justice for all.

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